If I Were A Boy
by Kenneth Black
Summary: Then I wouldn't be me, now would I? :: NOT a song-fic :: Makoto Kino wonders if just being herself is the best she can be. TBC Pretty dramatic, but future fluff for sure!
1. If I Were A Boy

A/N: Walking home one day this li'l thing suddenly hit me. ^^ No offense to anyone or anything. XD

DISCLAIMER: I don't own a boy or girl and I don't want to. XD I wanna be myself, and that's the only thing I own of this fic. Naoko Takeuchi owns amazing Sailor Moon and the lovable characters.

_**If I Were A Boy: Then I Wouldn't Be Me, Eh?**_

There were times that I swore I wasn't worth anything, and more so when I hadn't met you and Usagi.

I was so hung over and 'crazy' over trying to find myself, prove that I was worth something in a fight when gang-crazy kids decided to test their 'maleness' by beating up a tall freak like me. Yes, I was tall and blood-thirsty back then, and I still am now. But that lonely ache had hurt back then, hurt so bad whenever I came home and my apartment reminded me of just how much I was to be never near anyone, anybody.

Should I change myself?

I'd asked myself that over and over, time and time again.

Even Time couldn't heal me, help me, harness me the power I needed to overcome my weakness, to stop facing my worst nightmares and come away scarred. There had been countless beatings, wildfire rumors about how I was, and it was amazing, miraculous even, every time I came home without crying at what and who I was.

Was this really me?

Tall, dark, and handsomely slung down with a million battle scars on my heart?

Yes.

_No._

No?

_You're stronger than that, Mako-chan. _

Mako-chan? When have I ever deserved a kind-hearted nickname like that, even in its simplest forms? I don't remember this, I can't, I. . . I shouldn't.

_Calm down, Mako-chan. We're here for you. We love you. I love you. _

Who. . .?

Who are you?

WHERE are you? I've needed to hear those words for so long, and you're telling me, but. . . Can I trust you?

It hurts to trust.

I've been there.

Betrayed, filleted, gutted like a fish straight out of water, left to die as it flailed in its own pool of dripping black blood- don't you want me to change?

Wouldn't it be better if I changed?

_No. _

How do you know me like this? Are you real?

_Mako-chan, I've waited for you all my life. And all my life I've wanted to meet you, just as you are, and if you come to me with scars on your heart, with wounds too bad to heal, it's okay. I love you as you are, don't need to change. _

_I don't want you to change._

. . . Why do you believe in me so much?

_Because you're the one who helped me when I hated myself. _

Oh.

Makoto Kino narrowed her eyes at the punch thrown at her midsection and spared a split second to bare her teeth in a feral grin.

Sweeping her forearm down on the offending limb, the green-eyed brunette jerked to the sound of crunching bone and spun around to deliver a heavy close-impact kick to the attacker's own midsection. With a pained grunt the bulkier boy fell to his knees after hitting the far end of the school building and crumpled to an unconscious heap.

"Th-Thank you for s-saving me!"

Throwing a cold glance over her shoulder, Makoto frowned at the shaking underclassman to the broken gang around her. He was wearing glasses and sported a large cut to his chin and the top of his eye. There was a certain feeling of fear around him that Makoto hated.

She always felt this, especially when she was like she was right now, a thug just roughing up a gang that was going to bully their own smaller specimens.

But not this one.

"Your friends could have poked out your eye. Next time you ask them to use you for bait, make sure they practice beating you up first. Tell them that."

Giving one last searching glance to the downed bodies around her, Makoto turned and walked towards the entrance of the dead-end, stopping at the front to pick up one of the clubs covered in blood that had been used to slash at her skull a moment ago. She would appreciate the souvenir, and it was some kind of evidence that she'd got the bad end of the deal when she stepped in to help the kid.

"Wh-Why? Why don't you b-beat me up, like you did th-them!"

Without turning around, Makoto knew she could recognize the wide eyes, practically black in the typical color for fear and confusion in the midst of desperation. Shaking her head, the pony-tailed brunette waved behind her.

"I didn't beat them up, they weren't powerless or unarmed. I BEAT them, and why I don't beat you is pretty simple. You're just an underling used as bait to get me to come here. This gang wanted to beat up the famed Green Demon of the school. It was a good plan, but you're not that big a part of it. I was in a gang once, and it was torture. I didn't have the guts for it.

Maybe you do. So I'll leave you here with only that cut, and you can tell them you chased me away. That will give them time to tell you to prove it, but you can choose then if you want an out. They won't mess with you then. But no matter what you choose, make the decision with your gut. That tells you a whole lot more than your heart."

Glancing overhead to the darkening sky, Makoto sighed as she felt the first drop of cold, wet rain.

She'd talked too much.

Frowning down at the club she held in her hand, Makoto shook her head and threw it to the ground again. No use in keeping it now.

It was covered with blood, but she was sure the rain would wash it away.

"Are you gay?"

Two years later Makoto Kino found herself flinching as she walked down the hall of her seventh high school. It was a typical Tuesday morning, right before home period, but apparently some underclassmen had found the idiotic courage to face off on her sexuality.

Glancing down the quickly-emptying hallways to the three girls openly staring at her, Makoto allowed a small grin to appear on her face. Walking closer, she noted with unsaid praise the middle girl didn't back up like the other two, clearly making her the leader or the more curious.

Oddly enough, she was the one to the right of the group.

"Are you interested?"

Inside, Makoto tamped down her sudden flicker of thunderous anger at the three, but the more so apparent flicker or interest as the shorter girl looked up at her. She was wearing her old school uniform, so it wasn't a surprise when people noticed her, especially considering her tall height, even made more rare among the unusual short boys.

Yet Makoto's ponytail and stance clearly emanated the signal of 'don't bother me'.

The brown-haired girl inhaled slightly, and Makoto could see the swell of a shaking chest, a sign of nervousness. Smiling even wider, the brunette leaned down a bit and ignored the homeroom bell ringing for students to be good in their classroom seats.

"Are you gay?"

Surprisingly, the question sparked amusement in her, and Makoto shook her head.

"Nope."

Yet the girl surprised her again.

"I was, and am, interested."

All of a sudden the hallway seemed too lonely, too spaced-in, too crowded, and the other two girls had the time to gasp in shock before a hall monitor appeared around the corner and yelled at them to go to their rooms. In a twitter of movement, the two girls scrambled, yet the one facing Makoto smiled back once.

"You have a pretty smile."

Chuckling now, Makoto patted the girl on the back as she passed her, supporting her compliment to the girl with a touch. She noted the bated breath, but kept walking. A crack of thunder outside, and before the girl turned around to look for the tall upperclassman who had the ability to make her feel at ease with the scent of cookies and leather, Makoto was gone.

0000000000000000000000000

Throughout the years that question bugged her.

First she told herself she wasn't, then yes, she was, then maybe she batted for both teams. Yet the more Makoto thought about it and studied her fellow humans and senshi, the pony-tailed brunette settled on the idea that she was sexless.

Maybe it was the fact that she had no sex drive, or maybe it was the fact that naked bodies failed to 'arouse' her, unlike the wielding of a lance or just a pure martial arts stance amidst the crack of lightning and thunder.

Should I change?

Makoto had kept coming back to that sentence, but amazingly enough, she got her answer one restless night when Usagi and the others held a sleepover at her apartment that summer.

"Mako-chan, do you have a picture of your old boyfriend?"

Makoto spewed out the contents of her hot tea into air beside her and gaped at a smug-looking Minako Aino. The blonde was quirking her lips at her, intent blue eyes trained on her with curious sparkles in them.

Minako had Rei's hand in her own and the miko jerked as well with Makoto's reaction, recovering a bit after a second and bonking her love on the head with her free fist, a laugh coming to her lips.

"Minako, are you crazy? We've asked Thunder here for a picture of this guy ever since we first met her- she's denied it or she just doesn't have one to show us! Even if she DID, you haven't done anything worthy that Thunder here will just whip out a picture of him!"

"But Reiko! I'm just so CURIOUS!"

"Yeah, and that's what I love about you- but this right here is enough!"

"Awww, Rei-chan!"

Makoto stared, speechless, as Minako and Rei whapped and hit at each other, but with obvious affection and love in their gestures. The Senshi of Love and Fire had confessed their love to each other a month ago, much to the delight of their queen and Ami Mizuno, who had laughingly told her a knowing 'See?'.

The fact that Minako had control of her own relationship and was now getting on to hers was now setting Makoto on an unseen edge, one that screamed danger to her.

Yes, she DID have a 'Sempai', and yes, she DID have a picture of him.

One that she'd trashed the night she'd taken one of him. He was a jerk, even though he was a fantastic mentor in the martial arts and had amazing skills as a scientist. Basically the perfect mix of brains and geek.

Yet Makoto only considered him that, until he'd dumped her under a load of physical stress and spiked her drink with the ketamine rape drug. Ever since then, Makoto had avoided men and relationships all over, and even more so as she recalled his twisted face barfing up all the alcohol he'd consumed after she took him out with a fist to his gut.

Yeah, memories.

But to answer Minako's question. . .

"Mina-chan, I admit my old sempai resembles many guys, but trust me, I like to look at the male gender and commit his many good deeds to their half of the sex."

". . . Mako-chan. . . that sounds suspiciously bad. . ."

Heat instantly rose to her face and Makoto colored, a strained laugh coming to her lips. Beside her a body flushed, and the brunette yelped as her seat-mate at the low table about burned her arm off with the unsaid innuendo.

"A-Ami-chan! Whoa, cool off!"

Quickly taking the edge of the tablecloth, Makoto brought up the protective material and comically fanned Ami Mizuno with it, trying to bring down the Senshi of Ice's temperature. Glancing over at Rei and Minako, Makoto was alarmed when the Senshi of Love's eyes studied her with a devastatingly knowing smile.

_Am I missing something here?_

"M-Mako-chan, thank you, I'm fine now."

Makoto reclined back, sprawling out in relief on the ground and away from Minako's gaze. What was that. . .?

"Great, Ami-chan."

Smiling up at her best friend, Makoto raised a hand and touched a fingertip to the blue-haired genius' forehead, testing her temperature. Feeling the warm skin caused her to self-consciously flush, but Makoto kept her gaze on Ami anyway.

"All normal."

The smaller girl smiled back and nodded.

"Yup."

"Awwwwwwwww, aren't they so cute, Rei-chan?"

"If you could get off me and I'd see, then yes, they're cute."

Makoto instantly bolted to a sitting position and wrapped an arm around Ami, pulling her close. The smaller girl flinched a bit but instantly melted into a comfortable stance under her arm, and Makoto valued the friendship they had between them for the more-than-hundredth time.

"Stop teasing us, guys! We're both cute, get over it!"

Laughing, Ami managed to pull away and rolled to her side to poke a sleeping Usagi Tsukino, their princess' blonde odango-buns squishing into the carpet near Makoto's bed. Minako and Rei rolled over until the two could easily see what Ami was doing, Minako on top of Rei.

"Usagi-chan. Wake up, it's dinner time."

Makoto watched as their princess groaned in her sleep and flopped to her back, her mouth open and snoring as Usagi scritched at her head and murmured a drooling, "H'okay. . .".

Ami smiled down at Usagi and from the back of the blue-haired girl Makoto felt her breath hitch. What was this? What. . . was this? Something was wierd, her apartment was getting smaller and everyone seemed to come in closer, and she was struggling to breathe as she looked at her best friend, what. . .?

_*B-dump. B-dump. B-dump.*_

Makoto shuddered, shaking her head and the feeling washed over her just as soon as it came. A light-green forest haze had settled over her vision, and it cleared now, but with it came the knowing blue of Minako's gaze.

That smile again.

"I-I've got to go fix dinner."

Scrambling to her feet, Makoto hurried into the kitchen, where for the first time in her life that question that haunted her two years back came back full throttle. Glancing back towards her living room at the laughter that followed her into the kitchen, Makoto wondered at that wierd feeling of warmth that came over her.

This was an everyday normal sleepover with her not-so-everyday normal friends.

But then, she was Sailor Jupiter.

So, was she gay?

"Okay, Mako-chan, spill. What's wrong?"

Makoto turned around hastily and panicked. Something inside her recoiled at her friend's tone, and Makoto realized it was too knowing, too friendly, as if the person talking had the benefit of seeing when she had a blindfold on.

Before she knew it, Makoto had sliced open her left thumb as she brought down the knife cutting a well-rounded potato and her accusations came spurting out just like her black blood dripping down the stained blade.

"YOU know what's wrong! I don't understand, do I have to change for all of you? Do I not represent a good female when I'm with you guys, do I ACT strange whenever I want to just be myself? MINAKO, I just don't know what to DO anymore, and by damn, I hate this feeling!

I have LIVED with this feeling my entire life, even before my parents died, even BEFORE I was capable of living on my own and just trying to find myself! Minako, I've ran into all kinds of people, and I know you know what kind I mean. PLEASE, Minako, PLEASE, help me, help me, I can't stand it anymore, Minako-!"

And suddenly Minako was there, there as thunder clapped like shattering cymbals outside, there as Makoto cried out and slumped to the ground in a familiar pose of heartbreaking confusion.

Minako was there as Makoto took her collarbone top in her fists and smeared it with the taint of black blood, the iron tang the scent of raw liquid close to her nose as Makoto buried her face in Minako's neck and cried.

It hurt, it bled, and her heart bled, what was she, how could she get rid of this feeling?

"Mako-chan, Mako-chan, sshhhh, it'll be okay, let it out, but you have to stop, understand? You can cry all you want, Mako-chan, but reign it in before you drown the city in your tears or die of dehydration. Please, Mako-chan, I can help you, but calm down. . ."

Crying even harder, Makoto saw tears.

A waterfall of tears, a waterfall of heartbreak.

"Mina-chan, Mina-chan, please. . ."

Shuddering, Makoto pressed closer into the Senshi of Love and started as the blonde drew her in a hug, warmth emanating through her. Something was filling inside her, but it wasn't enough, it just would never be, why, why. . .?

"Please, Mako-chan, sshhhh. It's okay, let it go, all of it. . . I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry. . ."

And Makoto stopped.

It had started to rain outside, coming down in thousands and millions of water droplets, but now Makoto stopped, her shaking body coming to a slow rock inside of Minako's warm arms. Sniffing, the Senshi of Lighting and Thunder shook her head.

"I'm sorry."

Her whisper came out raspy and hoarse, but Minako's did, too.

"Ami-chan loves you. And you don't have to change. Please don't, Mako-chan. We love you. Ami-chan loves you. Me and Rei-chan, we love you too. And Usagi loves everyone unconditionally. So please don't feel like you have to change, Mako-chan. You're perfect the way you are, if anyone can't see that, then they're the most sinned of bastards."

Shuddering, Makoto nodded, closing her eyes as she tried to fight the wave of tiredness claiming her muscles and mind.

"I'm. . . sorry."

"No, Mako-chan."

Dimly, Makoto felt the shifting of long blonde hair on her shoulders and back, easing the pain and filling her with a warmth. Minako held her, almost protectively, and Makoto let it go. She let it all go, let it all out. . .

"You've been through a lot, take a long rest, Mako-chan."

Nodding again, Makoto drifted into the deepest of sleeps.

A/N: Okay, so this came out to be more. . . odd-y than I thought it'd become! XD This is NOT finished, and I'm piqued by this fic and everything so I'll try to make something else out of it. Let's just say I'm using this as a punching bag, and I'll try to make it DRAMATIC! XD It's gonna be fun! ^^ Hope I can pull this through, I'll come up with some of my old fics now. ^^ Take care, ja! XD


	2. It's Easier To Be Me

A/N: ^^ After a couple of days scribbling down and obsessively ripping my notebook out of peering eyes' hands ((0.o Eyes have hands? ^^ The people who had those eyes, then. XD)), THIS is the result. =3 Somehow I'm finding it harder and harder to KEEP MINAKO IN LINE! XD

DISCLAIMER: Naoko Takeuchi owns Sailor Moon and every feeling emotionally put in that made and MAKES it awesome. ^^ I own only this odd idea. *grin*

_**It's Easier To Be Me: Especially In Front Of You**_

"Mako-chan. . ."

Morning came with a dark murmur of remembrance and Makoto buried her head in her pillow, sighing as her trademark ponytail rubbed against the downy feathers and forcing her head to lay sideways for comfort.

So Minako really hadn't been that bad of a counselor.

At least the Senshi of Love had a hands-on approach about her.

Unbidden, a smile came to her face when Makoto thought of the Senshi of Fire. She was sure Rei had her hands full. Pushing herself up with her arms, Makoto relished the easy burn of her lower back as she stretched under the covers and held it for a moment.

*THUMP*

Squinting over the edge of her bed, it took a moment for Makoto to recognize Ami's disgruntled form sprawled out on top of a snoring Usagi by the side of her comforter. Apparently the girl had slept up on top with her and had now just fell with the movement of her stretch.

The thought made her blush slightly.

Groggily reaching down, Makoto ran a hand through the blue-haired girl's curls and smiled wearily as she looked around and spotted Minako curled up with a spooning Rei. It had felt good to let it out in one of her closest friend's arms instead of just taking it out on the skies and making the heavens cry with her rage.

Her head was throbbing with the usual intensity she normally had after one of her moments, but last night's confession left her with the feelings of freedom to express herself more. Still, the Senshi of Lightninng felt as if she'd been encased in rubber and squeezed.

Under her Ami shifted, and before Makoto could draw away, blue eyes opened and looked straight at her.

Instantly Ami colored and Makoto could only smile down at the girl as that familiar feeling returned to the center of her chest, making her vividly away of her new knowledge.

"Y-You were turning in your sleep and you fell twice, so after Minako-chan and Rei-chan wrestled you back up, they asked me to sleep b-beside you."

Feeling her eyebrows raise, Makoto could only chuckle.

"Thank you, Ami-chan. I could have had a coma, hitting my head on the floor so much. Did I squish you any?"

Her best friend shook her head and carefully rolled off of Usagi, covering the blonde with a blanket. Straightening to her full height, Ami looked ever the rumpled shy angel in her blue pajamas with wide-awake deer eyes.

"I was on top- o-of the blanket, so I basically just had you p-pinned underneath."

Ami looked down at her toes, and Makoto chuckled again.

Drawing herself up to a sitting position of criss-cross apple-sauce, the brunette patted the rumpled spot besides her. Once Ami carefully settled herself primly on the edge, still looking down, Makoto grinned.

"I didn't know you liked to dominate, Ami-chan."

There was a mushroom-cloud of red blush raising at the top of Ami's head, and Makoto drew her in a hug when the blue-haired girl started to bolt.

"Hahahahah, no, Ami-chan, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, even as a bad joke. But really, thank you. I was kept warm last night."

There was a jerked wiggle in Makoto's arms and she wondered at how Ami could ever be labeled the Senshi of Ice. The smaller girl was so warm, so alive, with only a look she could make her melt. . .

And what about her?

What was she doing?

It felt good, really, to wake up and find Ami there, and laugh, especially after last night, but. . .

"Mako-chan?"

Her eyes jerked open and Makoto realized she'd rested her chin on top of Ami's head and had fallen asleep for a second. Almost as if she was possessed, Makoto snuggled closer to the sweet warmth and lowered her head, gently nuzzling the trembling blue locks.

"I'm sorry, but you're so comfortable to hug. . ."

"M-Mako-chan! I-I can't breathe. . ."

The soft cry slapped Makoto to her senses and the taller girl quickly let go of that precious warmth, her blood and heart just pounding in her ears, and Ami gasped for air, and the smaller girl might as well have just hit her, what was wrong, THIS was wrong-

"Mako-chan, it's fine. Calm down. S-See?"

And warmth settled around her as Ami shyly moved closer, that red blush just making those beautiful pond pool blue eyes even brighter, moving closer, just slowly wrapping her arms around Makoto and just clinging, the most simple raw touch of a hug.

Makoto couldn't really breathe, there was that pressure right over her chest and. . .

"A-Ami-chan."

And Makoto pushed Ami away, hopping quickly over Usagi and across the room, her long legs flashing strength and lightning as they took her across the room in a pair of dark green boxers. The Senshi of Lightning opened and slammed the door in one breath, leaving Ami to strain to hear the anxious, "Ami-chan, bathroom, bathroom, gotta go cook breakfast, and clean, and make that food. .!"

Unbeknownst to her, blue eyes twinkled in amusement after the pony-tailed brunette, shaded over quickly with a flip of blonde bangs as Ami fell sideways onto Makoto's bed, closing her own eyes as she enjoyed her best friend's receding warmth.

"I can't believe there's been so many youma attacks the past few weeks! Don't you think they'd have anything better to do than attack us all the time?"

Minako whined her troubles to the treetops of the supposedly secluded trail, Makoto rolling her amused green eyes good-naturedly beside her.

"You know they just can't keep away from you."

Laughing, the Senshi of Love looked over at her friend and turned into a flurry of orange and yellow color as a tree root claimed the tips of her toes and foot.

"Aaack-!"

Makoto instinctively dove, shoving down the reflex to just grab the back of a collar and pull, instead enveloping Minako's waist in her arms and keeping the blonde upright.

"You okay?"

"Yes."

The on-hand reply surprised Makoto.

Before she could ask, Minako spoke up.

"Are you?"

Blinking, the brunette steadied her friend and pulled away, cocking her head. She was curious as to the hand remaining a little too long on her arm.

"Sure. I'm not THAT out of shape for this hike, you know."

Playfully nudging Minako, Makoto grinned and walked as if to push by. Again, to her surprise, Minako used an arm to wrap around her right hand as she passed, the blonde clinging a little too close for just safety comfort.

"Mako-chan, I mean the whole part of your feelings. Are you okay?"

Glancing down in confusion at the hand on her arm, Makoto furrowed her eyebrows, struggling to understand. Looking up, she was lost in the intensity of that blue gaze and immediately tried to blink, breaking the hold Minako seemed to have on her with her eyes.

It wasn't unnerving, it was just. . . wierd.

And then it hit her.

"M-Minako-chan, thank you so much for letting me cry on you that time. I really needed that, but now I just think that I need to meditate, work it out physically."

The blonde nodded, but didn't blink. A soft sound of musing came from her, and Makoto tried to forcibly walk again up the trail, wishing the others were here and not that she had to walk with Minako to meet them.

Suddenly a grin broke out on the Senshi of Love's face.

"Sounds fun. Can I join in for a round?"

Jerking, Makoto pulled away, almost roughly, and the brunette cursed herself as Minako jumped a bit, hands coming to clasp behind her to find balance against the tree she was thrown into.

"Damn it, Minako-chan, I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening, I've been feeling really nervous and I think it's because of this whole thing-"

That hand again.

It came to rest on her shoulder this time, but Makoto felt more comfortable when it landed on the light green material of her armless collar suit. Yet this time Minako looked at her, and it was serene somehow, almost laughing, those blue eyes serious one minute, then oh-so-playful the next.

"No, Mako-chan. I'M sorry. I just can't help but notice you not going after any guys anymore, especially at that last visit to the overcrowded Crown. So I was wondering if I should test you."

Makoto stared at the blonde in front of her, then shook her head.

"But Minako-"

"I'm sorry, Mako-chan. I'm the Senshi of Love, and though I can feel this agitation just coming off of you, I know it's for Ami-chan. But get this, do you find me attractive?"

Makoto stumbled physically at Minako's words this time, drawing away and automatically shaking her head. In the spring heat her armless collared suit had seemed perfectly fine with the weather, but now she was on crackling fire from blushing at the unsaid question.

Choking out a wierd sound, Makoto only got out incoherent words before Minako laughed gently and stepped towards her. It was only her self-taught rules of not backing down from an opponent that kept her from turning tail and running.

"Mako-chan. It's okay. I only asked this, but it's pretty obvious to everyone around that I'm at least the stereo-typical ideal of what you'd like in a girl or woman, yes? Remember that guy you skated with? Blonde, buff, and handsome? Tadaaaa!"

Staring at Minako, Makoto just broke down as the situation hit her funny bone. Laughing hysterically, the taller girl just lost it as she went to the nearest tree and hit it with a boneless fist, trying to get the wierdness out of her system.

"M-Minako! *gasp, giggle* I-I. .! Bwa-hahahahaaa! I, I um, ahem. Okay."

Straightening back from the tree, Makoto looked over at the smiling Minako and hiccuped, tears in her eyes. Walking back to the path where her friend waited, the two resumed walking normally now, no pretenses held.

"Look, Minako-chan. I do find you attractive and all, but. . . I'm sorry, but I don't LIKE you like that."

Snickering, the Senshi of Lightning and Thunder raised a hand to her head in her trademark comic pose. Somehow the thought of liking Minako like THAT, even when she was one of her best friends, and Minako going the lengths of trying to find that out for her. . .

Well, it only struck her as funny.

"But thanks anyway. I'm fine with me now, it's pretty much all better, only now I just. . . I'm just trying to straighten things out. I'm sure I'll know someday. Because this time I'm not going after every guy I see, and I'm certainly not doing that with girls."

Smiling, Makoto looked skywards as she walked.

"It's more scary with girls. I mean, with guys you can just be yourself, however you want, but with a girl, it's. . . You just know that they know better than guys, and you actually have to put up pretenses. So, that's why, Minako-chan."

Stopping, Makoto turned towards her friend as she reached the bottom of the hill that would top off to the end of the hike and the cave. Minako turned too and smiled, nodding as she recalled Makoto's meaning.

"I'm glad you care enough to help me, Minako-chan. I'll be fine, now, and it meant so much to me you listened when I broke down like that. And I'll continue to lean on you for advice, so thank you, Minako-chan."

The blonde looked at her, blue eyes grinning in happiness, and Makoto could only laugh as Minako glomped onto her as she always did. Reaching out, Makoto gave the smaller girl an enthusiastic bear hug, affectionately ruffling the blonde locks. Looking past her friend's shoulder to the path behind them, the brunette wondered how amazing a walk could be.

Only a couple of minutes ago she was so confused as to Minako's behavior: now she knew!

Pulling away, Makoto didn't notice the sudden tension in Minako's pose, only the blonde's insistent pushing at her shoulders. Giving her room to breath, the Senshi of Lightning only had time to turn and recognize a familiar aura of burning fire and the sight of a fist coming up solidly to slam into her face.

0000000000000000000000000000

A/N: The blonde guy Minako supposedly was using to look at Makoto's standards was the guy Makoto danced with in ice skating. *grin* JUST watched the episode, and apparently he's a youma. And a pretty cool one, too. *snicker* Pervert who peeks on in dreams. I think I liked his partner more. Oooooh, Moon Gorgeous Meditation is my most fave Sailor Moon attack now! XD Why not just use it like a sword? XD ((Actually, maybe it that 'Reamless' guy I'm talking about. ^^;)) *laughs like crazy* XD And as for the Remless, 'Ponko', I love the explanation on YouTube for the legend: A snail yokai came on board a ship, stole all the crews' testicles, and 'Ponko' is Japanese for that. Well, 'kintama', supposedly. XD And lookit what the youma did to those balls! XD

Eheh. ^^ The reason why I wanted to end it was because I thought of a new plot twist! XD I should have added comical angst to this. 'Cause it's gonna be fun! X3 Thanks for reading, take care, ja! XD


	3. Please Forgive Me

A/N: *grin* Okay, fine, most of you guys know who the heck punched Makoto in the face. ^^ As expected, brilliant people. XD But I'm challenging myself to take it easy on this one and actually immerse the senshi in emotions such as anger, jealousy, y'know, the whole works for this to come off as, well, something not that surreal. ^^ Wish me luck, here we go again!

DISCLAIMER: Naoko Takeuchi has amazed me even more with her awesome creation and whole-hearted way of drawing Sailor Moon, and even more so that I'm flipping through ((manga scans)) the pages of her work! XD

_**Please Forgive Me: It's Only My Nature**_

"Reiko, Reiko, stop! Mako-chan just hugged me, she's really confused right now and she doesn't need your fist in her fave to confuse her even more!"

Makoto reeled back, her head and back slamming into the ground they'd just walked upon. It had only been a small warning, only because Makoto had known Hino Rei and had trained beside the Senshi of Fire for so long as a friend and sparring partner, but in that instant Makoto felt pity for all the youma who had been burned to ashes by the fiery-spirited miko.

That small warning had been enough, though, to avoid the real brunt of the attack.

It was only a lowering of her head, but Makoto got enough distance and space between her and the enraged miko to just get hit on the forehead. Minako quickly stepped between them, her hands wide out to the sides. Rei stood with her eyes closed, breathing hard and cheeks flushed in red anger and disbelief. The dark-haired woman was clearly focusing on controlling her element, flickering flames of hot orange and red flaring about her clenching and unclenching fists.

Her stance was of intimidation, but Makoto saw the hurt pride and love clashing darkly in Rei's eyes just before they'd closed, almost in denial.

"Rei-chan, I'm your friend. And I'm Minako-chan's friend, too. Please listen to us, Rei-chan. We both love you, don't do this. I swear on my oath to Usagi-chan, Minako-chan here is yours. I've had no claim on her and I will never have a claim on her. You're my friend, Rei-chan, don't let ME get you jealous over this!"

Makoto threw in the last part as a self-criticized joke, and Minako used the hard chuckle Makoto gave out to jump in, walking closer to Rei.

"I'll always be yours, Rei-chan. I love you. Believe me. Don't ever doubt my abilities to, um, er, *flush. . .* my abilities to make you happy! And only you, Reiko, and I'm not giving you up just for a little buddy hug with Mako-chan here!"

Makoto watched in part amusement as Minako walked over to Rei, burrowing herself into the miko and wrapping her arms around Rei's arms, then lower, circling to her waist and soothing the goose-bumped skin. Rei's eyes were still closed, yet not strained anymore as a relaxed sigh came from her twitching lips.

Using nature's cue of the sudden chirping of birds after the deadening silence cueing her it was safe, Makoto slowly got to her feet, carefully watching Rei's face. The movement was something she found uncomfortable, forced to move so slow in front of her closest friends.

Standing, Makoto watched as Rei relaxed slightly, those fiery black eyes opening and hardening in hurt distrust at her. The Senshi of Lightning recognized that look, and it pierced her deep in her heart. It was the look of betrayal.

Bowing her head, Makoto tore her gaze away and forced the old pain to go back into hiding, back where it belonged, unnoticed and unmentioned. Rei's voice made her look back up, though, the miko's soft voice holding a hint of deadly steel underneath the tone of no emotion.

"Minako. . . I'm sorry for losing it. I'm a miko, and even though I hadn't sensed any danger or. . . I reacted badly. And I'm sorry."

Those dark eyes raised to hers, and Makoto tried to look away, but Rei caught her gaze and held it, self-shame swirling in those deep depths. Breaking away from her partner, Rei walked over to Makoto and punched her shoulder, lightly, ruffling her up even more because of the unbroken tension still between them.

"It was my fault, Mako-chan."

And with that, Rei walked away, past Minako and over the hill where the other senshi waited inside the cave they needed to explore to find the den belonging to the youma. Blue eyes shot a sorry glare over to her, and Makoto could only follow a short distance behind when Minako followed her partner in.

00000000000000000000000000000

It was dark inside, yet dry from years of being covered by a whole tarp of forest, and in the autumn, there was a warm wind blowing through the whole cave. Makoto moved about the entrance warily, noting her footsteps tripling their echo inside and confusing her hold on bearings slightly.

The others were supposedly in the heart of the cave already, and Rei and Minako had disappeared into the darkness the minute they'd stepped inside. Even though it was only an hour after noon outside, here it made no difference with only the gray hint of light showing the way. There was a hole at the top of the cave, yet it only showed the dense treetops of dead leaves outside.

Walking further, Makoto sensed an aura, and when someone grabbed her arm and pulled her into a hidden niche in the cave wall, she wasn't surprised.

Rock scraped against the side of her cheek and breasts as she was pulled through, the hard particles tumbling in little grains on the cave's floor as her body pulled loose some of the ancient wall. Running her free hand to her back to squeeze herself in better, Makoto breathed in deeply a sigh of relief when the tight space suddenly drew away into a large cavern around her. Turning, she watched as Rei flicked on a hand-held lighter and sparked it once, twice, drawing bats of all kinds out of the cavern in high-pitched shrieks.

The miko's hand still held Makoto's arm, and Rei pulled Makoto over from the crevice, dark eyes down in embarrassment and high-lighted by the flicker of the oily flame.

"Lightning. . . This time I want to actually say. . . I-I'm-"

Rei's voice was low, cracked, and Makoto wanted to stop her friend, tell her it was fine, everyone made mistakes and she didn't blame her. But Rei went on, drawing a breath in shaky courage before Makoto.

"-I'm sorry. I was wrong to assume, and lose it, and-"

Makoto stood, alarmed, when her dark-haired friend's voice cracked like glass shattering. It wasn't pretty, and Rei flinched from her own voice, hurriedly going on before she broke down and couldn't talk. Collecting herself, Rei shook her head and grabbed the brunette's shoulder, earnestly looking into her eyes.

"I-I mean it. It was WRONG for me to lose trust in you and Minako, and I'm so sorry for punching you, Lightning. I. . . I kind of wish I was more like you, more in control of herself with the meditation and all. . ."

Laughing slightly, Makoto stepped back and examined the large cavern they were now in. It had a high dip, craggy walls showing off a couple of wet rain drops collected on the tips of the rocks. And there was another indent at the top of the cavern, much like the upper hole outside of the crevice they were now standing in. Deciding she needed to correct Rei's statement instead of looking around, Makoto looked at her friend. She really was amazing, Makoto thought, amused.

Miko or not, Rei had a strict way of self-control about her, even when she was among close friends, and only Minako had broken into that barrier and made the dark-haired fire wielder happy.

"You're fine just the way you are, Pyro. Good at keeping herself in check, looking out for her friends, and letting go when you need to. Today was just a misunderstanding, is all, and if it happens again, I'm telling you now; Minako is happy with you, and you only as you are. You could change into a million somethings, but this Senshi of Love is going to know you and love you just for that. Please don't underestimate yourself. I'm just me, you're just you. Can't we be happier like that?"

Stunned, Rei broke out into a grin and socked Makoto on the arm for real this time, laughing as she Senshi of Lightning laughed at their shared symbol of friendship, renewed.

"C'mon, you really thought Minako knows me all that much? I'M the one who came up with the plan for who you really liked!"

Makoto stared, surprisedly shocked at the miko's grinning confession.

"What?"

"Okay, okay, so Minako acted it out, but I'm the one who pointed it out you weren't chasing anyone resembling your 'sempai' within a five-inch radius of you! And we were on that bus full of guys going to the unisex hotsprings and you never even batted an eyelash!"

Narrowing her eyes, Makoto smirked.

"Yeah, as if you didn't, either."

Rei's blush shone redder and lighter than the small flame she was holding on to, and the miko sputtered, dragging Makoto over to the crack in the wall and heading through. Her voice cracked, but this time in shy confession.

"I! I have Minako!"

Nodding in agreement, Makoto couldn't hold back a laugh as she butted Rei from behind as they headed out into the cave's main entrance. It felt good to know she was on even ground with the miko now, and she truly valued her friendship with the dark-haired girl when things got tough, emotional or otherwise. Coming out of the squeezed-in crevice, Rei and Makoto emerged, laughing and joking around to a waiting Minako, blue eyes twinkling in knowing amusement.

"Do I have something to be jealous over, Mako-chan?"

Shaking her head solemnly, Makoto grinned when Rei jogged over to her girlfriend and got a sweet kiss. Watching them intertwine fingers, Makoto was surprised when Minako held out her hand and wiggled her fingers at her.

"Come on, Mako-chan. Don't be bashful NOW."

Hesitantly reaching out, Makoto looked at Rei and got a grinning nod, the miko pulling her over by the shoulder and practically stuffing Minako's hand into her palm. Blinking at their hands all joined, Makoto smiled a bit and walked with the couple to the entrance of the cave's heart.

"You've got a family here if you need one, Lightning. It's not like we come over there only for food, you know."

Laughing, Makoto walked slower, holding them all down, a smile on her face.

"Yeah, only most of the time, anyway."

The two girls let out exclamations, but Makoto only sped up and walked into the flickering light of hand-held torches, towards her princess and towards her partner, knowing in her heart that she'd been accepted, and forgiven, for everything.

"I can't believe the damned thing caved in when Sailor Moon let loose her tiara! What were the chances of her hitting that idiot bat youma and him popping it off course with his sonic radar screech tiara-collapsing the whole! Damn! Cave!"

The Senshi of Lightning and Thunder cursed and growled with each punch, kick, and every melee attack against the used-to opening of the cave, now buried in guano and rubble that had fallen from the top of the cavern and piled up against the hole. Snarling as she jumped back and rushed it, sending a jarring spin kick to the base of the rocks, Makoto was forced to jump back again as the rubble rolled down like a landslide and ended up covering more than moving anything away.

"Rocks! Earth! Bat poop! Aaaaaaargh! Supreme. . . THUNDER!"

Calling down lightning from the hole at the top of the cave, Makoto swirled it around in a chaotic movement between her palms, the energy flickering intense blue-black and white as she hurled it like a side-thrown baseball towards the pile of rock. Gritting her teeth as rocks rained above her, Makoto dodged the flying projectiles that richochetted off the pile from the blast of pure, clean lightning.

Pumping her fist in triumph as she saw the entrance cleared, the Senshi of Lightning and Thunder ran for it in the thick haze of dust. She almost missed the aura of life pulsing in a small corner of the cavern beside the entrance. A breathless whisper, but Makoto heard, and thank God.

"Ami-chan! What are you-? C'mon, let's get out of here!"

The Senshi of Ice was curled up in a fetal position beside the blown-up cave's entrance, and Makoto cringed guiltily but in secret pleasure as the thought Ami had stayed behind for her hit her. It was smushed down with the need to protect, though, and Makoto gently scooped up her best friend, enjoying the feeling of comforting warmth among the feeling of surging adrenaline.

Looking towards the hallway leading outwards, Makoto cursed again, but inside this time, at yet ANOTHER pile of clumpy rocks barring their outwards escape. Silently chuckling at her ironic attempt to stop cursing, Makoto linked it to the precious blue-haired bundle in her arms. Ami really didn't like it when she cursed, and even Makoto could sense her best friend making an attempt to stop reminding her so much. Grinning at the thought of pleasing Ami in some way, Makoto had tried to stop. It had been hard at first, but like now, she knew she'd get it- because no way in hell was she going to let a couple of rocks stop her from freedom and Ami's safety.

Focusing her intent on the base of the pile of rock, Makoto glared at the simple crack beside it. If only she could gather enough power and blast through it like she'd did the last time. . . Yet here there was no outlet for her lightning-based attacks, and no cover either. If Makoto needed to dodge any harmful material whizzing through the air, she couldn't ensure Ami would be protected, especially since the girl was unconscious and going to get heavy if they needed to move.

Frowning down at the blue-haired girl, Makoto wondered WHY Ami hadn't woken up by now. Usually in a fight the Senshi of Ice was the first to figure out a plan as to how to beat the youma or, if given enough time, a great defensive attacker.

"Ami-chan, if you want to wake up now, it'd be great."

When closed lids fluttered hard, Makoto frowned. Ami's eyes were shifting underneath the lids, and it was very obvious the girl was trying to wake. A sense of shifting in her aura made Makoto think. It felt familiar, but something about the beautiful sense of her partner felt. . . off.

Shaking her head, Makoto glanced again at the pile of rocks burying them in and decided it had to be now or never. Night was coming soon from her prior glance to the open hole in the top of the cave back where she'd come from, and with night came bats. Even if the main bat youma had been defeated, Makoto had heard that flesh-eating rodents resided near here, and she wasn't going to stick around for any of that.

Shifting Ami onto her legs, brunette reached around the front of her friend and hooked her arms under the girl's arms and held her up in front. Makoto had to kneel a bit at the height difference, but at least she was in attacking position.

Suddenly, Makoto remembered the spot Rei had pulled her into where the miko had talked to her and the brunette looked frantically around. The darkness had come even sooner, and even that gray haze had faded into a blacker tint. Spotting the craggy hole in the rock walls, Makoto carefully picked up Ami again and had to alternate between putting herself first and then the blue-haired genius into the tight fit.

The brunette wasn't even aware of the sudden rush of emotions until it hit her like an electric shock that overwhelmed her senses.

Self-conscious now, Makoto tried to ignore the tight tingles in her lower abdomen as she gently pulled Ami to her, the small crevice barely giving her any room to breathe. With the sudden close contact of her friend, her own temperature seemed to sky-rocket into a thousand million degrees, and Makoto could only choke on Ami's scent as she pulled her partner out into the open.

Roughly shaking her head, the Senshi of Lightning and Thunder spared one longing glance towards her friend and ran back into the crevice, her heart pounding like crazy as she recalled the closeness of Ami and how much her friend had supported her, been there for her, when she was alone, and when she was just in need of a person to talk to.

This was crazy, she was crazy, it was all crazy, maybe if only she'd been born-

No.

What brought this panic attack on, anyway?

Hadn't Rei and Minako said they accepted her, as a friend, as a family, as a person, no matter what? They had, they did, and they always would. So why? Why was she suddenly feeling this now, and especially at this bad time when there was hardly any light and things were so hectic-

"Mako-chan."

Makoto turned, her heart pumping double-time as that sweet voice gentled out to a low grate, the sound heaven to her ears. Ami. It was Ami.

"Ami-chan?"

In the dark, red eyes gleamed, yet somehow, that bright twinkle of knowing pool blue would always be precious to her. Ami stood, and Makoto wondered how she could have ever missed the large dark bruise coating the base of her neck right above her collarbone. Blood welled, but somehow there had been enough coagulation for it to stay in a clump of red. There was nothing else wrong except those two things.

Yet those two things made a world of living difference.

"I'm hungry, Mako-chan."

And Makoto took in the sight of her partner, her best friend, her fellow senshi, as Ami Mizuno opened her mouth and a pair of sharp incisors descended at the base of her gums. A shadow slinked out of nowhere and materialized behind the blue-haired girl, and Makoto could only watch as Ami stalked forwards, right where she was.

Crimson color flickered at the base of her neck and pupils, and Makoto risked a quick glance upwards towards the hole in the cavern as moonlight flooded the interior of the cave. Full and beautiful and bright, the moon pulsed once, twice, seemingly, and that dark shadow melted back into insubstantial form behind the Senshi of Ice.

Almost immediately Ami fell forwards, again unconscious, and Makoto rushed out of the tight space she had wiggled into and caught her friend, gently lowering her down onto the ground. Looking around, the brunette spotted hungry red eyes peering at her from the dark and again glanced towards the moon.

There was a large black cloud about five minutes away from covering the glorious world's nightlamp, and Makoto could very well guess what that dark being in the shadows was going to do when the moon was covered.

Hefting Ami back up into her arms again, Makoto restarted the delicate extraction of their selves from out into the main cavern's entrance. Protection and safety from debris or not, it would be safer out there than in here with that unknown body of darkness.

They had to get out, and fast.

A/N: XD And so, here it iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis! XD I feel accomplished. *nod, nod* And skipping away from the main plot, but then, that was vaaaague, now wasn't it? ^^ Well, I'll still keep in Makoto's feelings of confusion and la-la, but here's something NEW to worry about. *grin* It'a a classic, don't worry, you won't get lost in the dark. And so won't Ami, right, Ami-chan? =3 Hope ya enjoyed, thanks! XD Take care people! XD


	4. Turn Me Into A

A/N: XD I had a heckuva time looking up if birds or bats can dodge lightning. That might sound really wierd right now, but hopefully it'll make more sense. ^^ I didn't realize I actually dug myself in deep trouble writing this fic and adding it to the list of unfinished fics that I'm gonna have to work on, but this'll be my joy. XD Broaden my horizons and keep it up! :3 Thanks for sticking with me until this chapter and all the others, guys, really kept my spirits up among all the bad chase dreams I've been having after a three-year dry from those kinda dreams. *grin* First thing I looked it up and it said my unconscious was having me run away from problems, and it was gettin' close, since I couldn't shake it. ^^ There were some other interpretations that had me raising an eyebrow at. XD Enjoy, ya!

DISCLAIMER: Naoko Takeuchi owns Sailor Moon! XD

_**Turn Me Into A. . . : Believer**_

Danger that came straight from the grave was after them, and Makoto floundered as her cursed body played havoc with her libido. It was insane, the brunette realized, to react at only such a close distance to Ami when the girl was undoubtedly not herself right now and unconscious.

Actually, not herself was an understatement.

When the brunette had picked her up, Ami's head turned on her arm, right where the large gaping bruise was, and Makoto realized her friend had no pulse! It didn't seem to matter, though, since Ami was breathing heavily, as if in a trance. She suddenly recalled a saying, 'It's not you, it's me.'

Snorting, Makoto tugged her friend not-so-gently through the tight crevice. Apparently this WAS Ami-chan's fault, not her own, 'cause Makoto sure as hell felt some kind of wierd pleasurable thrill from being near her best friend. In fact, it had always been like that, ever since the first time Makoto had met the blue-haired girl. There had been a thrill of electric current running through the brunette that day, and that simple graze against the genius' arm as she bent to tickle Luna's chin had all but revived her from her usual loss against the computer game she'd previously pounded on.

Shaking her head, Makoto frowned and finally got Ami and herself out of the crevice.

Wasting no time, Makoto called on the power of Jupiter and sent a sizzle of a pure cracking lightning bolt at the base pile of rocks. Ami jerked once in her arms, and Makoto suddenly remembered her conduction of electricity was beyond normal than other people's.

Beyond more normal than was comfortable for Ami.

Letting go of the girl, Makoto stared as the cave seemed to reverberate with a heartbeat as the rocks gathered around the entrance blew to millions of pieces and the cavern was flooded with lights- human-made lights.

Flashlights.

Squinting at the three dark sillhouettes against the moon's illuminating presence, Makoto picked Ami up and ran towards the opening. Rei and Minako ran to meet them as Usagi danced around nervously in the background, shuffling after them with her sceptor in her hand and waving it wildly over her head at a curious bat flapping its way out of the cave.

With a start Makoto recalled vampires could usually morph into some kinda of creature of the night. Raising her hand in a pointed position, the Senshi of Lightning took up a stance much like Rei's with her hand to her eyes and aimed it at the erratically flapping mammal, Ami still in her arms.

Focusing her attention into a little flickering point of white at the tip of her hand. Makoto dimly wondered if flying animals could dodge harmless little bolts of electricity. She's tried frying a frisbee once during a picnic when a random green disc came flying out of nowhere and she'd just reacted. Shaking her head, brunette knew she couldn't take the chance: Ami might turn into a zombie overnight and then she'd have to stay with her tonight at her place because her angel's mom would wonder at her daughter coming home with a hickey-looking gash on the side of her neck- Makoto faltered.

Her p-place?

H-Hickey. . . like?

And what was up with the wishful thinking it would be. . . her place, all alone, just seeking her angel's approval and her mom's. . .

But those words turned into a churning heat and Makoto shook as she threw that small sphere of lightning at the fuzzy flying bat.

"*squeak!*"

*BZZZT!*

"Waaaah!"

Makoto realized her mistake the minute she let her faltering bolt flow. Of course she didn't realize it, but Usagi was jumping up and down and waving at the bat with her moon stick- the flow of lightning was intensified through the sceptor and their Princess flew backwards, four feet, blonde odangos akimbo as she hit the ground hard, unconscious.

"No, Usagi-chan!"

Cursing herself to Hades when Rei rushed to her Princess' side, Minako heading over but hesitating as the Senshi of Love saw and heard Makoto's distress, the brunette's head hung down in shame.

The bat flew on, letting out a sense-splitting shriek as it flapped off into the night. And Makoto knew, right then, that it was the youma, and tonight would be her living hell.

"What? Reiko, we NEED to do this! Don't you trust me?"

"Minako, I DO, I trust you with all my love, but I. . . I. . .!"

"Think about Makoto! We accepted her- YOU accepted her! Why can't you trust me? I'm only trying to help!"

"Y'know, maybe it would be better if you didn't-"

"Don't you DARE, Reiko. Three of us are hurt, hurting, and we're going to go through a lot more. I'm the only one who can help, love. Just because your grandpa needs you for the shrine doesn't mean I'll take the time to hurt you, Rei. Please, trust me. Believe in me, because I love you."

"M-Minako, I'm so sorry, I- I trust you. It's just. . . I'm insecure about everything- and. . . hey. Don't you look at me like that! It's not my time of the month, and I do NOT get cranky!"

"Do too!"

"Don't!"

"Too!"

"Only when people are AROUND!"

"That's getting cranky, Reiko."

". . . I'm sorry."

"You're so cute when you're jealous, but since I'm the Senshi of Love and jealousy is that little green monster, I dub myself above that."

"Hmmm. . . jealousy's not cute and I really am sorry. I. . . I need to go."

"I love you Reiko."

Makoto felt bad.

Bad for Minako, bad for Rei, bad for Ami, and bad for Usagi.

All because of her.

_Is this where I truly belong? Even when I'm blessedly happy, when I'm hurting and sad and just alone, do I really belong here?_

Hearing the faint click of her apartment door closing, Makoto looked up blearily from tucking her fellow senshi and princess into seperate futons and fixing their clothes and belongings. Minako's blue eyes were dimmed, sad almost, and Makoto couldn't stand it. As host and fellow senshi and friend, she cleared her throat and stood.

". . . I didn't even ask her if she wanted hot chocolate, or even tea."

A shake of head and Makoto questioned the blonde's amused sigh; tired, but amused.

"Rei-chan would want chocolate, but I'd give her tea. It would calm her, and if she was in my shoes she'd do the same for me."

"Tell you to calm down?"

"Mm, no. Tell me to stop being jealous of our close friend. To just trust her. But it's so hard to trust, Mako-chan. So hard."

And Makoto started when Minako burrowed into her, hot tears spearing straight to her heart as the blonde leaned into her and just cried. Shaking with sobs, Minako clenched her fists into the front of Makoto's nightshirt, then wrapped her arms tight around the brunette's midsection, squeezing hard with every intake of sobbing breath.

Not knowing what to do, what to say, the taller girl just stood there, mouth opening, yet cursing herself inside as she tried to go with her instincts and conjure up some kind of kind words for her friend. She wasn't this good at comforting and holding, just telling others it'd be okay, because since she didn't believe in that herself, taking things for granted and the future would resolve itself, it came out strained when she did say it.

Makoto stood, frozen but providing a stable support for Minako to cry on, when she felt it- a touch on her right calf.

So cold that it immediately caught her attention, a frigid cold contrast to Minako's own blazing hot anguish.

Looking down Makoto met the icy blue eyes of Ami, her tired pupils dilated and contracting back in on themselves with a dull red ring around them. There was something different. . . And Makoto grit her teeth in pain when a small hand encircled itself about her ankle and protruding canines burned themselves into her flesh, right about her knee and ripping through to her thigh as Ami rose, suckling hard.

Her blood pulsed, pounded, rushed, ran, summoned into the fangs of a vampire itself.

Makoto roared in disbelief and pain, and electricity raged out of her, flickering havoc to all the lights in her apartment building. Even in the dark Makoto could see those red-rimmed orbs, and they seemed to mock her as she gripped Minako tightly in an effort to clench all the pain inside, keep it inside, let it boil, let it burn, let it hate. . .

_" you know that I loved you? Yes, maybe it was a love born out of protection, of loneliness, of reciprocated need, but I guess it's gone now. Why? Because when I woke up, you had Minako-chan, and Rei-chan was hurting while Usagi-chan will remain petrified for most of the night and retain a tad touch of brain damage and I. . . I was alone. _

_Because of you._

_Because of YOU, Mako-chan."_

Darkness throbbed around her, and Makoto twisted and turned in the suffocating allure of poison. Ami was speaking, oh Kami-sama, she didn't mean to, hadn't, she HADN'T MEANT TO-!

"Thunder! Wake up! Thunder!"

Rei.

Poor Rei.

Makoto knew she'd never meant to hurt her stubborn fire-headed friend and she never would, but seemingly her loneliness had planted the seed of rivalry between them, Minako's innocent helping personality coming to every abandoned stray and Makoto had indeed been abandoned, so long ago. . .

"Yeah, right, Thunder. You're no match for me when it comes down to it, don't kid yourself. Open your eyes, damn you, and CALM DOWN! Unless you REALLY want me to get mad!"

Ha.

And here Rei was, trying to cover it up.

She didn't deserve such friendship, why had she lived during that whole plane crash? Why? So she could muscle her way into being a savior, a senshi, sacrificing the most precious people she'd ever met, ever know?

"Wake up, Mako-chan! We're here, we'll ALWAYS be here, come back to us!"

Ah, Minako.

Her voice sounded so strong, not like the crazy blonde from before. From before, where Rei had left.

_No, don't, Minako. _

_Go away, away from me._

_What you have with Rei is so precious compared to helping me, lost cause that I am. _

_Leave. . ._

"WAKE UP, DAMN YOU!.!.!"

And Makoto jerked awake, thrashing as her eyes opened and her body betrayed her mind, fighting for the life she was willing to give up, taking in deep lungfuls of air, eyes leaking like cracked almost in a raining thunderstorm where it poured cats and dogs and everything was completely drenched, her spirit included, but somehow she'd survived, yet again. . .

"You IDIOT!"

And Makoto grunted when Minako pounced into her, burrowing deep in her hold and clinging, crying. Rei sat behind her, just now collapsing in pained relief at the lightning wielder's antics of unconscious suicide and glaring at her with burning black eyes, red-rimmed and tired.

Red-rimmed. . .

"Where's Ami-chan."

*Slap!*

"Ow! Mina-chan?.!"

And angry blonde towered above her, tears rolling down her cheeks and raving about angrily, pacing little baby steps forwards and backwards in front of her beside the hospital's little space beside Makoto's rolling bed, her blonde hair making the room seem to shine with its color.

"Is it so bad that you can't even know, Mako-chan, KNOW, what it FEELS like to be wanted?.! You're always here for us, Mako-chan, support us, the 'loyal strength-smusher' and destroyer with your lightning- do you NOT KNOW what it feels like for someone to WANT you, MISS you?.! WE'VE missed you, Mako-chan, miss snappity-picket fence lightning block, and if you don't know then you sure as DAMNED WELL DID good in telling us when you're UNCONSCIOUS and in the HOSPITAL for THREE DAYS and all you can think of is AMI-CHAN! If you're confused now, just take a HINT!.!.!"

"Th-Three days?"

Makoto's mind went in shock.

THREE DAYS?

How!

Why?

Suddenly she realized the white sterile floor, clean bed and sickening smell of the under-spiced hospital food. There were four big windows, and the Senshi of Lightning and Thunder looked out over the city, bright with morning sunshine.

"What. . . happened?"

"YOU happene-"

"Minako. Shh."

Makoto nodded, grateful to the miko, who gave her a terse nod, black hair shifting messily. With a start Makoto realized she'd never seen this side of Rei before, even in death and dreams. If she traveled back to when she'd first met her and told her past self that, Makoto would have considered it, since she knew you couldn't judge people by looks alone. But after so many years. . . heh.

Somehow the thought made her smile.

"No facial emotions right now, Thunder. I'm mad enough as it is. Three days ago, that night, Ami-chan bit you and drained too much blood. Apparently there's something in your family blood that's just fabulous, because normally-reserved Ami-chan just kept on sucking."

Recalling those cold blue-red eyes, Makoto dimly nodded, her attention still wandering as the call of fatigue and sleep warred with her unused bones that were popping and creaking.

"Squeezing people's arms off aren't a good way of release, Mako-chan. Next time just scream."

THAT pulled her back to her senses.

"What? Mina-chan, I'm so sorry-"

"No problem. Just take it easy when it comes Ami-chan's turn, 'kay?"

Makoto tilted her head, her groggy mind pulsing with confusion. Waking up from three days' worth of no excercise that her body was screaming for while her mind had been plagued with her wild unconscious had taken its toll, and the brunette didn't need word games right now. Nodding despite herself, Makoto forced her eyes to stay open.

Rei tensed beside the blonde, teeth grit.

"Thunder, have you ever tried talking to a psychiatrist or counselor?"

Eyes wide, Makoto shook her head. The miko frowned and shook her own head, dark eyes swirling with worry for her friend, yet still respecting the brunette's obvious carefully-built walls over the years, constructed with gentle smiles and a powerhouse attack.

"You. . . In your sleep, all the time, you. . . Just know that all of us trust and love you, Thunder. We NEED you. And if we ever leave. . . "

Black eyes met green as a warm head folded over hers on the bed.

". . . We'll all leave together, you with us. We promise."

Confused but feeling wonderfully secure, Makoto nodded sleepily, her eyes drooping. Raising her hand, she felt her words slur as she tried to smile at Rei and Minako's shadowy forms, their profiles already blurring as she fell back to the bed, exhausted. Makoto could tell that some kind of needle had wormed its way into her right arm and wrist, probably from blood transfusions, but it was gone now, only leaving a sore sting.

Still, brunette whispered her thanks, her own tears threatening to wet her eyes.

"You. . . I'm sorry. . . for making you worry, and I won't go to a quack's but only to you guys. . . A-Ami-chan. . ."

And for the first time in three days, Makoto had no dreams.

A/N: *grin* XD It seems to me that whenever I write the 'anst-y' kinda scenes, I revert to listening to 'feel-good' beat-kinda music. Ex: 'Body Language', 'Don't Stop Moving' ((S Club 7))- which both remind me of hilarious amvs that I've watched. So basically here I am reminded of laughable episodes, and here I'm having Mako-chan have a bad time. *grin* Sadistic, no? *laughs* But it gets done more quickly. XD ((I've got another idea to plop in this fic, but I figure I'll draw it out into another chapter. *grin* There's not much happening in this chapter, I know, and I'm REALLY mincing on description, but then- well, I always do, so in the next chapter I really hope to remedy that! XD)) Thanks so much for reading, jaaaa! ^^


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